I honestly don’t remember what I said to D Friday night. I do know that I felt quiet and numb. Our conversation driving to an event, just the two of us, was filled with mostly his questions and my simplistic answers. His questions were time oriented. What time did this child show up or that one leave or this one planning to get home. I walked to the sports facility and didn’t complain about the cold or even use his arm to negotiate the snowy sidewalk despite wearing high heel boots in the winter. I was being polite, not witchy. We got there and relaxed a bit. His talking and obvious numerous attempts at discovering what was wrong with me wore me down a bit. I began responding in more than monosyllabic words. Eventually I whispered in his ear that it hurts me so much when, knowing what I’m thinking he moves through it. I explained I had been bearing the brunt of the older kids being hostile and it was hard to feel very stressed without an outlet I preferred and feeling alone. I felt scared that he thought I was a bit too much of a ‘head case’ in this regard.He assured me several times I was not the problem. He explained feeling literally exhausted during the weekdays. He hides is well. I felt bad I’d not noticed more than a quieter quiet from my guy.
I told him that at times I feel he doesn’t want this life as much as I do. I also told him that there’s a trickle down affect with reading and mentoring and I have made that progress and work continually. I was really happy that he assured me I was not in any way, nor was this lifestyle a burden to him and that he knows he could have and needs to communicate better. In fact he said it twice in the evening.
Our Valentines Day was very nice it started off with us getting back into bed that morning and well – starting the day off just right! The paddle came out I got flipped over and it was all erotic and fun and he’s been rather proficient knowing what I can tolerate and what I like - it felt ‘challenging’ and later, I felt very relaxed. He then asked if I could begin and end the day with a good attitude and happy heart. I answered “yes, absolutely” before I knew what my morning was to look like -a large appliance mini melt down. I could handle it alone. But it was a painful tedious solution and a major time waster.
He came up behind me with a couple swats for something in jest. I mentioned there was a memory from this morning and he thought that the rage by testing out my reactions! I was very happy to connected again. It just never ceases to amaze me that he can let me walk toward what feels like a cliff and not say stop until I’m so unbalanced. I think we both have some communication skills to work on in our immediate future.
He cooked an incredible dinner and dessert & brought out some terrific wine. Later that night we talked before sleep and I thanked him for a great day and dinner and also how I appreciated what he’d said Sat about not communicating as much as he knows he should. He said, “what?”. He didn’t remember it – I thought I’d have to chew through his pillow I felt angry he didn’t remember thee one thing that would make all the difference if he knew to work on it. “You’re kidding right?”
So we talked it over this morning about his forgetting! He rearranged the words I used. “If you’re going to be quite particular in your definition this means you’ll remember, right?” You’ve got to get it in where you can….
Thanks btw FD for you thoughts and Janet I appreciate your sharing Wil’s quote – excellent point! Sara, unconnected dots – and often I don’t lay them out in broad sight. D told me he has been reading my private journal to him… well guess who didn’t write all week in it?! Yes he does want me to be happy and shows this in many many other ways. If he’s going to be in the kitchen so much I hope he’ll lean me over the island now and again! Anonymous thanks so much for commenting! My heart felt sad for you especially on Valentines Day night! The only thing I can tell you is to read some old posts of mine and know that I’ve been trying to get this off the ground for almost three years now. But we are just this fall calling it and both seeing it for what it is: HOH, TTWD & Dd. I hear other wives say ‘be patient KayLynn’ but the being is difficult. What is monumental is that so many are willing to lend support. I would have never made it this far without this community. And interestingly, there are times D receives it vicariously. My best to you for you needs to be met, improved communication and a good night’s sleep after a much needed spanking. Btw I am glad you shared your feelings. It helps. My best to all, KayLynn