Its taken me so long to write about this. I have at least 2 dozen versions. Some are shorter, more clinical. Others whitewash the facts and move too quickly. Some are drenched in the pain. Some were written, but not by me, it seemed. Below is my very best effort to be honest about what happened. The first part is the toughest. A part of me wants to portray my man in his very best light. I used to rant in ’09 and ’10. I’d like to think I’m not here to rally the troops for well deserved sympathy. I do feel I need to share this because it’s good to know that it is possible to go from happy to feeling miserable working through forgiveness, managing healing. Currently I find myself in between forgiveness and healing. Somewhere, after many sleepless nights with Amber, I felt purposed to screw up. My screw up will be Part II. I promise to be much harder on myself than D.
I was very hurt when D blew me off by not spanking or having meaningful sex on consecutive days.that should have been taken advantage of before Amber’s surgery. I had arranged time alone for us. I always do. I bought beautiful lingerie. I came downstairs after a shower, looking my best and sat in our fireplace-lit family room where he said I looked great, then continued to watch a basketball game for the sake of it. The next morning – nothing. Days surrounding New Year’s Eve were equally disappointing. We had sex, but it wasn’t our best, which we’re partial to.
Sadly over the passed year there were two occasions where I had planned incredible weekends. One in a B & B, the other in a nearby hotel. It was a mid week celebration – a total surprise. Both events tanked so hard I had to have Sara talk me down afterwards via email. I credit her with keeping me off roofs.
When it happened this last time, before her surgery, I was pushed too far, only because it’s been a theme, for years. (read down passed the Fantasy Friday writings).
There are times when setting aside time works. But there have been too many times when plans have been made, he does nothing but fade off into the abyss. In my mind I’m searching and chanting reasons: He’s really tired, stressed, physically tired from loading wood, shoveling snow … I feel blindsided, then foolishly hopeful. Tomorrow morning he’ll be on his game. We have until 2pm before we have to take Amber to work. In my way of thinking, if I’ve jumped through hoops, am looking beautiful and have on my prettiest lingerie, I’ve initiated sex. Saturday morning stretches by without him addressing the nothingness that’s occurred. …. I begin to unravel quietly as I’m in pain. I move to packing up my heart without notice and I go to my KayLynn Cave for protection. I am present during our daily routines. I’m careful not to be too quiet. He’s initiated a dance where he screws up, I am hurt and get quiet, then he tries to get me to talk about what he should know hurt me.
I hate it when I’ve been hurt and I explain and he’s totally unaware. It’s so hard to be calm, to try to gather up my pain and what’s left of my dignity to face him in a serious manner, trying to bring him back into our reality. He seems to just blank out in the midst of it all and afterward he needs time to take in everything I’ve brought to him. I’ve adjusted to the fact that he needs time when I tell him how hurt I am. I used to expect him to ‘get it’ immediately and respond with a thousand (or maybe one big) “I’m so sorry”. This time I tried to be kind. We’ve had stress with her upcoming surgery. His work’s been demanding. I’m not a demanding shrew. I’m patient.
When things get really bad I begin to think I‘m on my own. I’ve been on my own and can handle doing it one more time. I am strong. I can handle whatever I’m forced to handle. I’ve done a great job many times in my past. I’ll do it again. This is how I felt in the middle of my conversation with D. I pushed passed waiting for him to come to grips with a future apology. I got nasty about something justified and he very gently help my forearm, which I not so gently jerked out of his grasp. He started to “HOH” me and I told him in that scary kind of calm anger that he doesn’t deserve that privilege. He was a bit thrown by my reaction. He quickly found his apologies this time. Sad for him, I explained that it didn’t matter. I started to raise my voice at this point. I’ve not done that in forever. I backed him into the corner of admitting that he is aware of blowing passed our plans. He said he doesn’t understand why he does nothing. Why he ignores me and my pain.He began to apologize. I began to grow stronger each minute until finally I let loose.
Your apologies mean nothing to me anymore. Change matters. Awareness matters. Empathy matters. Consistency Matters.”Apologies” don’t matter anymore. I will quit Dd right now. Ds will go too. But I don’t think you’ll enjoy that. You benefit from it as much as I do -when you do it!. But if you can’t figure out this hurtful cycle, Dd ends because I can’t take being hurt like this anymore. I’m done!!! I’m not leaving this marriage. Just know we will NOT be the same. I won’t do that. But we will not be the same. We will be a deflated couple.I don’t think you want half a marriage. I know I don’t. You have to figure this out. It’s all up to you. But I’m telling you now, that if you don’t know why you hurt me and why you do nothing to stop hurting me, You’ve got a serious problem that goes deeper than us. It’s you, your past. Get a grip. I’m losing mine.
I stood in the kitchen for a really long time feeling confident in my words, feeling like it was all over and I could make it, no choice. I watched him out of the corner of my eye while he sighed as deep as I’ve ever seen.
As always he managed to shake himself into acting the HOH and asked me if I would accept that he would stay home from work and we would do what we could with the suggested that we would have our time in the morning. Wanting a bridge between us I, calmly accepted. He always falls asleep fast and first. As soon as he did, I left the comfort of his arms and slept on my side of the bed. I needed space to think. What I realized is that I know his heart. He doesn’t want to hurt me, but he has to have an awareness that he is hurting me and he chooses not to take responsibility for his actions. This is counter intuitive to the role of HOH, the D in Dd and Ds. And yet everything else he does is completely HOH. He’s so good to me otherwise.