Fifty Somethin’

Remittance Girl is brilliant. I’ve been reading her for years. I am happy she’s being well received by the discerning reader.

I of course read 50 Shades & due to the Today Show checked it out. Ok, I unabashedly ripped through the books & I wrongly, initially, raved about it to a friend. I also tore through the ‘trilogy’ (furthest stretch of the definition yet) because: 1. It’s such a crayola read, 2. I really wanted to see what had the attention of surb moms (aka how did this “BDSM” book get so far to deserve a spot competing with our Cheerios-filled bowls, all due to the professed changed lives of giggling vanilla wives) and 3. Damn my slutty consumerism, I’m a sucker for a Dom-filled, punishment oriented spanking scene.

I found myself doing major leaps over the bantering (one sorely mislabeled) entities playing a stick-figure cartoon tennis match when the author needed to work for her readers. If I ever read the word “mercurial” again, I’ll scream aloud. You have my word.

But here’s the thing, to my knowledge, it’s her first published writing. And hey, good for her. She hit the jack pot and will no doubt receive grooming (or ghost writers if she’s mot salvageable).

I eat at McDeath’s when I’m pressed; I’ll read anything with amazement when I’m horny. Given my various states of rehab, and given I can’t drive or limbo under any golden arches, I’m excelling in Kindling my ass off. Burning, versus consuming calories I always say ;)

The links to furthering the potential for moving beyond mediocrity can be achieved following some of R Girl’s suggested authors, the link at the bottom of her post, and a link from there is a list provided with current authors.

Here’s the tough part: recognizing when you show symptoms of desperation. To be very honest, when my needs are compromised, I find fiction. At the devouring time of my Fifty readings, I was not having an easy time of it for the reasons cited below.

I find that through the years, I have often failed to act on my standards when it comes to quite a few things. Often I’ve been tired not making researched choices, or thought long and hard before I wisely and temporarily acquiesced. But mostly my crimes are not speaking loudly to be heard when I’m disappointed.

D and I did get some awesome time in after my ‘tenderizing’ bath, as Susie mentioned. Including the hot bath and his generous D/s gratification, I was very ready to wind down. I was pretty shocked that he stood up and left me with instructions to turn over and stay there. ‘I owed him a few’ he announced leaving for the kitchen. He returned with a long crepe spatula made of ash. Thank you Wms. Sono.!!

He grasped the front of each hip angling me like he was cradling a rump roast. I was resisting (I couldn’t really help it) much more than I like to do. He delayed, thankfully, and began to talk about my sins at hand. At that point I felt I truly deserved it and somehow managed a new mind set and I blended in with the pain. That’s never happened. I can purpose myself to hold still; but I’ve never just come to true terms. It was intense and condensed as time time goes. More was coming Sunday.

Here’s the Reality, D does blow pased promised and well needed time. He won’t say, ‘Catch ya later Babe; Be ready for me … ” He just glosses over and I,the pretender extraordinaire, will wait to be remembered.

Tonight I stepped it up. I fought for myself, by firmly pointing out that he can’t have it all ways. He can’t be do engaged in work that he can have it consume our hours, his energy level, all the while being the Grumpdominator over picayune matters and not have the time to spank his wife on a special day.

What am I supposed to do?”

“Be patient” he said gently. I felt a slap on the face! ‘There’s a new mever-been-done-wife-trick i must try soon! I sarcastically shoved down bitter words as it clawed to find my vocal chords. thought. But I will keep it up. I’ll speak up too. When D’s unable to do what I need, and what he’s committed to do, I have to use my respectful voice. He ended out conversation with “you owe me a few more.” I’m thinking I got some time before the event.

I hate to white wash our lives. It can really bite at times. But I would suggest that there’s hope in the determination that improvements are to be made,that settling, in most circumstances, is wrong. It points each time to a subtle voice that whispers, “you’re not worth it, your relationship is a precarious thing; grip anywhere, anytime.”

I wake this morning to birds singing, a milk truck (yes, they still deliver!) and the need to serpentine through his work, my needs, and our standards.

6 comments on “Fifty Somethin’

  1. I haven’t read anything. I’m tempted to, but have conflicting ideals about it. Some of it is the sunday school song that rings in my ears. “Be careful little eyes what you see…”

    The other is something I was trying to express yesterday. You know when you read a great book and then go see the movie and the movie is so disappointing b/c it doesn’t look at all like the pictures the book created in your head? I’m worried about reading anything ttwd related b/c I feel like M and I are writing our own very unique book and if I get new pictures in my head that don’t fit us, it’ll mess with my psyche and feelings of contentment about where we are. I don’t want to be a discontent. Short blog posts don’t effect me this way but books draw me into a whole different world.

    Sometimes I wait to be remembered too. We just get too busy. I don’t have anything for you here, but good for you for calling it out. I’m not so good at that and still end up acting out instead b/c I know he’ll deal with me then. I find it extremely hard to find my words at times.

    Hope you are not left waiting too long. Can we send patience to each other across blogland? If so…sending.

    • Submitted on 2012/04/26 at 9:04 am | In reply to Susie.
      Thank you Susie! I feel the patience and yet… Finding a voice is tough for too many. Even D’s lost his, which is how this all begins, ironically. Sighs. It’s taken me decades of hard personal work, that’s slowly braiding itself into my actions. I can wait, but not without acknowledgement.

      It’s funny we’re reversed in our views. I can justifiably get lost in fiction, but reality can hurt when I’m substituting. I’m not comparing as much as repairing on some odd levels. I just need to be cloaked in the conceptual reality.

  2. After reading your comment on my post, I just and visit your blog. I am glad that I did. There are times when fiction is better then real life. I have stopped reading as much as I was because I seemed to be wanting what I was reading and not working as hard on us. For some reason, I have never been any good at keeping my mouth quiet. I tend to try and “top from the bottom”. My husband couldn’t live up to the men in my books. He is trying to make dd work as I am too. He is listening to me when I complain or have ideas as long as I am being respecful (which I am not always so good at). Patience just isn’t one of my virtues – I really stink at it.
    I hope that you continue to “use your voice and talk to your husband”. I think seeing what is going on is the first step to making things better.
    Thanks again for stopping by
    -Blondie

    • Being Respectful is an uber conscious decision, if it wasn’t, there would have never been spousal spanking! (imho)

      It has taken me a very long time to be so respectful that he hears me. There’s a Sublime song, “Summertime”, and when his women starts ragging’ on him he “shuts down like a penitentiary.” All men do. So respect is paramount – think of it as an “ear opening” experience for your man.

  3. Hey, your voice is certainly articulate and often quite elegant.

    I’m glad you’re recognizing that you need to make it heard when you’re disappointed. One of my biggest frustrations is not hearing from Lynda when she’s got something to say.

    • D declared a “if you’re thinking it, you have to say it rule.” It’s been hard to deliver when I just want to go into a fetal position and mutter “La La Laaa” when I hurt. And worse, sometimes I can’t identify what IS bothering me! I just show the symptoms… sighs… But it is getting better as I feel safer and can trust (all humans lol) more.

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